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With Thanksgiving just over a week away, the holiday season is nearly upon us. However, glad tidings appear to be in short supply at the North Pole. Representatives for Santa Claus and the world’s toy stores remain at an impasse after the latest round of contract negotiations.

If no agreement is reached, the delivery of toys to the world’s youth could be in serious jeopardy. Santa Claus expressed his appreciation for the children, but added that he has the right to demand what he feels he is worth. Furious that the toy stores offered him the same salary as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus fumed, “What a joke! Kris Kringle does ten times the work as the Easter Bunny. So Kris Kringle’s gotta do what’s right for Kris Kringle!”

The toy stores counter that due to the expansion of online shopping, Santa Claus is not producing at the levels he once was. “Nobody appreciates what Santa has done more than we do,” commented Ebeneezer Grinch, counsel for the toy stores. “He’s an international treasure, and at his peak he was something to behold. But he’s clearly past his prime, and UPS and FedEx are doing lots of his work now. From an economic standpoint, paying him exorbitant dollars makes no sense.”

The relationship between Santa Claus and the toy stores has become increasingly contentious this year. First, the stores angered Santa by insisting on a dress code that would have outlawed his classic red suit and black boots. They relented after Santa Claus repeatedly objected, “No one makes SC wear a tie!” The stores opted not to push a similar policy outlawing facial hair.

What particularly irked Santa was the toy stores’ support of star reindeer Rudolph in his feud with St. Nick. The stores publicly denounced Santa’s statement that his team would be more successful if Brett Favre were leading the sleigh. Press conference rantings by Santa’s agent Drew Rosenhaus only exacerbated the acrimony.

The stores were also less than supportive as media rumors swirled about Santa’s physique. His lighter appearance this season coincided with the first year of the toy stores’ new drug testing procedures. While speculation raged about performance-enhancing substances, Santa Claus insisted that he ingested nothing stronger than milk and cookies left by excited children. His weight loss, he claimed, resulted from spinning classes at the new Gold’s Gym on the North Pole.

This issue only adds to the developments that have downgraded the once-beloved icon’s public image. Feminists have long condemned Santa’s trademark phrase, “Ho Ho Ho,” insisting that his generations of service give him no right to treat women as objects. St. Nick also enraged Arizona residents when he threatened to boycott the state during his infamous “We talkin’ ’bout CACTUS!” rant.

Time is running out for Santa Claus and the toy stores to come to an agreement. If they fail to reach common ground, it’s the children who will suffer. If that happens, the kids will forget the true meaning of Christmas, instead viewing the sacred holiday as a mere celebration of the Messiah’s birth. And that will truly be sad.

Jack Archey is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles. He is a five-time “Jeopardy!” champion and sports trivia expert. To see his intelligently goofy articles on the sports world, please visit his blog: http://jackssportshumor.blogspot.com

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If you watch situation comedies, the one thing that you will notice, or at least should notice, is that situation comedies make fun of real life situations. That’s why they’re funny, because they’re all about things we can relate to. On an episode of “Home Improvement” Jill asks Tim if he’s ready to go with her to some party. He replies by telling her he has to watch the game. Jill, seeing that he had just finished watching a game, says to him that she thought he had just done that. Tim’s reply is, “That was the game BEFORE the big game”.

Yes, America is obsessed with sports. It doesn’t matter what the sport is even. Baseball, football, basketball, hockey, horse racing, you name it. If there is some kind of sporting event on the tube, you’re typical American male can be seen sitting in front of that tube, remote in one hand and a cold beer in the other. And if you think that sounds like a situation comedy, then you haven’t been to a typical American home with a wife, a husband and 2.5 children. It is more typical than you can imagine. That’s why many American homes have more than one TV. The wife will lock herself inside one room watching her soaps, while the kids have a TV in their room to watch cartoons and the husband has his big screen TV all to himself to watch, well, whatever sporting event he can find.

And it doesn’t even matter what time of year it is. There is ALWAYS something on the tube to watch. In the spring, summer and fall there is Major League Baseball. In the summer, fall and part of winter there’s Professional Football. In the fall, winter and spring there is Pro Basketball and Pro Hockey. In the spring and summer there is the PGA tour. In fall, winter and spring there is the PBA tour. In the fall and spring there is horse racing. The list goes on and on. You can’t turn on your TV set one day out of the 365 that science has given us without seeing something that resembles a sporting event.

The question we need to ask and answer if possible, is why? Why are American men so obsessed with sports? Many psychologists feel it is simply a male macho thing, to put it in layman’s terms. The American male is so insecure about his own masculinity that he feels the only way to show the world that he is indeed a man is by watching sports. Some men take this to extremes in that they will only watch sports that are considered “cool” sports or the ones that only “real” men watch. Football is right up at the top of this list because it is so violent. A man who sits in front of his TV with a beer watching a football game is a “real” man. Nobody would ever dispute that.

The truth is, nobody really knows why American men are so obsessed with sports. Maybe the answer is simpler than what we keep searching for.

Maybe they just like sports.

Michael Russell
Your Independent guide to Sports

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A major staple for spring time bass fishing is the floating worm. The tactic can work well in pre-spawn and post-spawn situations. I have most of my success with a watermelon seed color but that is probably due to the confidence level and the amount of time I spend fishing with them. One look at the Wal-Mart shelves will show you that the most popular colors are bubblegum and white. A 2/0 hook on relatively light line is all that is needed for this rig. A baitcaster can be used if the worms are heavy enough but I prefer a 6′6″ medium spinning rod with 10lb test. I like to fish floating worms in the backs of coves and creeks lined with timber structure or boat docks.

A typical retrieve is much like the retrieve of a jerk-bait. As the worm is retrieved it will dip, dart, and spin much like a casting spoon. This spinning will kink the line and could cause a bird nest on the spinning reel. To prevent this I use a
small black barrel swivel about 12 inches above the hook. The barrel swivel adds just enough weight to help with casting and will cause the worm to sink very slowly. This enables the fisherman to fish the bait on the surface with a steady retrieve or slow it down and fish it like a suspended jerk bait. Cast to the target and let it settle before beginning the twitch, twitch, pause, retrieve action. As the bait approaches the structure, I may change the cadence slightly pausing for several seconds letting the worm sink slowly down beside the structure.

Jeff Morton is the administrator of TheFishHound.com

North Carolina Fishing - North Carolina’s source for freshwater and saltwater fishing.

for more articles and information on fishing go to The Fish Hound.

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